Does Money Control the World?

Or is it what money feels like that controls what we do with money?

This was the biggest "aha" and catalytic moment I had in the very beginning of my journey of getting to the bottom of my own financial pain and suffering. I remember there was a moment, when my finances went negative after "trusting the universe" with funds that were never there...

Until one day they were.

You see, this journey all began after I quit my job at Tesla at the end of 2018 to only trust in my intuition. Prior to that I was accomplished and had done some incredible jobs in Los Angeles. I had no trouble working and took pride in my work when it came to others. But when it came to achieving my own goals...it was something I never felt truly worthy of.

However, looking back, that was about to change.

Now, let's return back to the sinking feeling of seeing my bank account go negative shall we. At this time I had no income. The anxiety building. My nervous system going into overdrive. I had no idea what I was in for and what my life had become in what felt like a spiritual psychosis break. However, in this panicked moment came a breath of calm... a quiet moment of realization..one that would take me on a rollercoaster journey since to understand money in a completely new light. In this moment came these questions: Why did my money have this much impact on how I felt about myself and my life in this moment? And why was it dictating my behavior at such a subconscious level for me to be in pain in order for me to do something about it?

The thing was that I was going to do something about it. Just not in a way that was expected.

For me, under this fear came a relentless need to get to the bottom of how and why money works with our subconscious behavior for it to work in our survival and what could be done to reduce pain and suffering for good in uncertain financial circumstances.

During this time, I stayed quiet about what was happening with my finances to those around me. Each day that passed I stayed present with the feelings of dread, anxiety and fear as my finances stayed negative days on end. It gutted my mental health to actually work a normal job. I explored as much of my nervous system and mind as I could while playing as much financial pain-chicken as I could until I couldn't take it anymore. Praying to anything that would listen.

Then, about two weeks later, I get a call from my dad.

"You're mom and I were talking and we have some money for you that was meant for you when you got married. We don't know if that will happen so we're giving it to you now."

I think it is important for me to say that during this endeavor, there was always this underlying knowing that came with solely trusting in my intuition that everything would always be ok and it would be worth it. Let me clear, most times it did not look okay or feel okay, but it was what I learned from those moments that taught me why we never felt we could be okay in our most vulnerable financial struggles. All while learning what could be done about our pain when money stopped being the answer as it once was.

#financialfreedom #financialloss #economy #healing #trust

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